The Guide To Getting and Keeping The Girl
by Heartbroken Confession
Summary: Hyuuga Natsume being able to get THE girl unassisted is like the cat who suckled that monkey. It's just against nature. And then, Nogi Ruka getting THE girl without losing several body parts is a complete Ron Stoppable. "Screw you, Mochi." NxM RxH


Eegads! Hi there. Here's some silly writing with crack-ish like traits.

**My Inspiración**: "Like the cat who suckled that monkey." -_He's Just Not That Into You_.

**Why Man, Why NOW?**: Because crack-ish stories are awesome and _Anna_ felt that cats suckling monkeys was **strange**. :) Which it totally is, but it's also hilarious :)

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**The Guide To Getting and Keeping The Girl**

--_Heartbroken Confession_--

The Guide To Getting and Keeping The Girl

The 5 Simple Rules Edition

--

By: Mochiage

--

With Commentary by _Nogi Ruka _and **Hyuuga Natsume**

Ever wanted a girl so bad that you acted like an idiot in front of her?

**(No**.)_ (Err... Maybe a little.)_

Ever act like a jerk with a pole up his ass around _the_ girl?

**(No.)** (_Um. Well. Kind of. Maybe.)_

Ever drive the girl to the point where she can't stand you?

**(...No.)** _ (She drives ME nuts.) _

Then, my friend, this is the guide for you!

**(You're an idiot.)** (_Well then.) _

Because let's face it....

**(Yes, you should face the fact that you're an idiot. )**

Hyuuga Natsume being able to get THE girl unassisted is like the cat who suckled that monkey.

**(What the fuck?)** (_Dude.) _

It's just against nature. And then, Nogi Ruka getting THE girl without losing several body parts is a complete Ron Stoppable.

_(Did you seriously just make a _Kim Possible _allusion?)_

Here are ways for even the most romantically-retarded fools to get and keep his girl!

_

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_

Rule Number 1: Give Her Compliments

If you don't tell a girl how much you thoroughly enjoy her presence, she'll never get the hint! How is she supposed to know that you like her if you're always acting like a douchebag in front of her? Shower her with praise, show her that she IS your Greek Goddess. And, no, Natsume, calling Polka-dots and other strange and inappropriate nicknames does not count as praise.

_(_**Screw you, Mochi,**_)(_Bitch.)

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Rule Number 1: Trial Phase. 

"Hey. Polka."

"Yeah?"

"I like..."

"...Yes?"

"I like your purse."

"Uhm. Thanks, Natsume."

"Yeah. It matches your shoes."

"I _knew_ you were gay." Sigh. "Such a shame, too."

"I am not gay!"

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Rule Number 2: Listen To Her Talk

Listening to a girl talk is a must, if you don't? Well then, you better get reacquainted with your hand. _(You're disgusting)_. Even if you're just pretending to listen to her talk, DO IT. It's worth the effort; for some unexplained reasons, girls have a blabber mouth. They can go hours and hours talking about fictitious vampires. But, if you don't listen to her talk, she'll explode. Listening to her blab shows her that you truly do care about she feels.

(_But, say, hypothetically I liked someone like... Imai. Imai doesn't talk. How would that work?_) (Then, my friend, hypothetically (wink, wink), you would have a very awkward and silent relationship.)(**Hn. I have no heart to listen to a little girl rant about idiotic things over and over again.**)(That right there, is exactly why you are a virgin.)

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Rule Number 2: Trial Phase

Natsume sat at his desk, Mikan rambling to Anna next to him. Nearly dozing off, he pinched himself awake constantly. With one final laugh, Mikan finished talking.

"I totally agree with you." Natsume deadpanned, hoping she would think he was listening. She stared at him and blinked.

"Oh, you think Zac Efron's hot too?"

Silence.

She sighed and turned around, away from him. She mumbled, "You are so in the closet."

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Rule Number 3: Buy Her Presents

Yes, it seems rather materialistic. But come on, a teddy bear or two will make her feel like queen of the world. You can get her nearly anything and she'll be glad just because you were thinking of her. But.. you can't get her a rock or anything like that. That's just kind of weird. Unless that rock's an alice stone. That would be a good move, just make sure the girl you're trying to get isn't some psychotic chick who will cry when you break up with her and screech about how it was supposed to be "forever and ever".

(**You can speak on that one from experience.**) (SHUT UP! THAT GIRL WAS HOT!) (_And psychotic.)_(Psh.. Psh. So?)

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Rule Number 3: Trial Phase

"Uh, Imai!"

"What, Nogi?"

"Uhm. Here!" Hands package.

"...Perfume?"

"Yeah.. I just thought you'd you know, appreciate it or something."

"Nogi, are you implying that I smell?"

"What? Yes! I mean, No!" Slap. Walk away.

"Ow. Fucking Mochu!"

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Rule Number 4: Confide In Her

Girls are like a boomerangs. They smack you in the face once by making you listen to them, but then they swing around again to knock you out. Not only do you have to listen, but you have to speak as well. If you don't tell her a secret every now and then, she'll start getting suspicious. Acting upon her suspicions, she will give you an earful. An earful usually consisting of the words "dishonest" "cheating" and if you're married, "couch". When trying to get the girl, by confiding in her, she'll feel that you trust her. Which, in her mind, translates to you liking her.

(**Just because I don't yap endlessly like she does, does not make me dishonest.**) (_I think if I talked too much I'd get killed._)

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Ruled Number 4: Trial Phase

"Oi, Strawberry patterns."

"What now, closet boy?"

"I am not gay." Growl. "I have something to tell you."

Eyes perk. Smile. "Yeah?"

"...The copy of Naruto I was reading last week was really a copy of CardCaptor Sakura with the Naruto cover over it."

Blink. "Ugh! Stop rubbing your hot and gay face in my very single face!"

Slap.

Double slap.

Stomp.

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Rule Number 5: Look Her In The Eyes

Don't be shy and stare into her eyes! Girls like the intensity of staring into someone else's eyes. By looking into her eyes, she'll feel like your looking into her soul, creating a deep relation between you two! Also, when she catches you staring, she'll think that you like her (which is what you want!) and further develop your relationship. When you're in the relationship, looking into her eyes shows her that you have nothing to hide. Go for it, my friend!

(_You sound like a cheesy informercial._) (Call now, and get an additional punch to the face!)

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Rule Number 5: Trial Phase 

Stare. Stare. Stare.

Uncomfortable fidget. Twitch.

"Nogi, what in the world are you doing?"

"...Staring into your soul."

Freaked out expression. Pocket. Gun. Shoot.

_Baka. Baka. Baka. _

Angry mutter, "Creep." Walk away.

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And for some reason, later on that day, Mochu was attacked by an abnormal amount of vicious birds and found a few too many of his items spontaneously catching on fire.

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"That's what we get to listening to the guy dating Otanashi Yura."

"Tell me about it."

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Silly, non-romantic ending. :) But I hope you still liked it... review? :)!

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